Zoe Zombie

goodbye, 23 – and other things.

// January 12th, 2009 // Comments Off // humour

Today I am suprisingly battling a lovely bout of food poisioning. I was quite shocked and almost disappointed that it wasn’t a hangover. It’s just like me to get sick from food poisoning the day after my birthday rather than being hungover. It’s like christmas: when I curdled Bailey’s in my stomach and had to skip out on the most awesomest party on xmas day. Just my luck.

I have already learned a lot from this birthday, every single one makes you that much wiser and that much inclined to not give a shit.

My birthday felt like 200 cigarettes, you know that movie? It’s NYE in 1989 or some shit and one of the girls has this awesome party planned, she has a new dress and she’s sitting – waiting and waiting and waiting for everyone to come. The drinks are getting warm (or consumed by her), and no one has called to say they are not coming. I felt like that girl yesterday – I kind of felt stupid.

Perhaps I will start from the beginning: I decided a long time ago that people create their own present and futures. It makes sense to me. So I decided that even though my birthday (and party) were on a Sunday, and a day after a massive hens/bucks night, that the people who really wanted to help me celebrate really wanted to be there. The people that didn’t even bother to try and get a hold of me to say they weren’t coming even though they had already said they would, are the kind of people you don’t really want celebrating with you. What’s the point? I’m getting on in my years, why waste my time with people who don’t really give a shit about you?

So I thought, awesome – heaps of people said they were coming to our new casa before heading to the pub, to check out the digs. So Roger and I cleaned the entire house – it was so clean it was shiny. I was blind.

I made a platter, I made dips, I bought champagne, I had non-metal music playing on my iPod for those who don’t like it. I was sitting there, with my awesome new dress on, kicking heels, rearing to go – a little before the commencement time of 5pm.

5:10.. no one is here.
5:15 … still no one. no one has rung/sent messages/emails/nothing.
5:30… my dear friend Mahalia rocks up. We share champagne and some laughs.
5:45.. still no one else. I checked my phone for the billionth time, wondering if I had just missed a message.
6:00.. now it was time to go to the pub with Mahalia in tow. At least 10 people had said they were coming to our home and then on to the pub, but no. My platter, dips and the rest of the champagne is now just sitting in the fridge.

I felt, and still feel kind of like a fucking dickhead. Of course, I set myself up to be rejected – obviously not on purpose. But I felt foolish – I couldn’t believe that I put myself (with poor Roger) under so much stress to get everything ready, to make it all fabulous and only 1 out of the confirmed 10 had come. No one had even messaged to say “I’ll just meet you at the pub” in advance.

Onto the pub – a lot more people were there and it was a rocking time. Although I noticed someone obviously absent: my best friend from when I was 14. The person who had messaged me the same day to say Happy birthday, see you later on. Then never messaged to say she wasn’t coming. Although, upon later discovery she had in fact messaged me that she was ill and couldn’t make it although I never received this message. This made confusing when I wrote “Thanks for messaging me to tell me that you couldn’t come” in my sarcastic drunken state. Thankfully – that is straightened up now.

Although I cannot forget the others who didn’t come and had my phone number/email address and never bothered to tell me they weren’t coming. Even those who didn’t have my number: they used a friend who did have my number to contact me. See what I am saying when I say that those who really want to come (or can’t) will make the effort?

Although, I did get something back from my “rejection” and wasted platters: I had the most awesome collection of people: those who actually are my friends and want to celebrate my birthday even if there is work tomorrow, or they’ve had a busy day, or they are so hungover they feel like vomitting with every breath. That made me feel wonderful that I do have an awesome bunch of people I can call friends.

So perhaps my birthday was filled with a lonely platter and champagne and a little rejection, but I’m getting older and it’s time to grow up and move on and to not hold on to things that make you upset. And to not hold on to people who obviously don’t care to hold on to you. It never helps, it just ages you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I simply must go stick my head in the freezer.

birthday madness

// January 7th, 2009 // Comments Off // humour

The 11th of January is my birthday and every year I have a party to commemorate this occasion. Although, I don’t really know where the motivation is coming from to have one. The last 3 birthdays have been insanely insane and not in a good way.

My 23rd was spent with a raging migrane that hit me so bad I was experiencing overwhelming feelings of nausea. My 22nd was spent trying to calm down a sad drunk. My 21st was a horrid family/friends gathering that my parents – particularly my mum – had imposed on me, despite my requests for them not to do so.

What I find most scary is that my mum always insists on making my favourite food which is sushi – sushi and pizza. It made me think about death row – don’t they give them their favourite meal before they kick the bucket? Last requests and all that stuff? What a thought.

Then there are the friends who say “Oh my gaaaaaawwwwdddd!!! I can’t believe you’re turning 24!!! Oh my gawwwwwwwwdddd!!”. They then stop short and continue talking about something completely different. The reason for this is that I am the eldest of my friends and they know that soon enough, the same thing is going to happen to them. Either they are not happy about it or they can’t believe that they will also be hearing “Oh my gawwwwwwddd! You’re turning 24!!!”. Getting older is not usually a popular conversation.

Since departing further and further from my teenage years, phrases such as “you’re only as old as you feel” and “age ain’t nothing but a number” start becoming part of my regular conversation. In 2 short months I went from being pissed at bouncers for asking for my ID, to welcoming the inquisition. Sure, I’d love to prove that I’m possibly under 18!

That last sentence looks really lame.

It’s kind of scary when I catch myself thinking “those stupid teenagers” because I think that when I was a teenager, people were looking at me thinking I was just a “stupid teenager”. I’m not sure if it’s insane jealousy, or thinking that we are somehow far more superior and wise just because we are older. I don’t think that those older than teens are a lot wiser – I’ve seen women double my age act like complete fools.

The thing I do love about birthdays is this: I can replenish my wallet so soon after Christmas and get whatever I want. So it’s not so similar to the last day on death row. Except maybe the “favourite meal” thing.

I think I am sick. Maybe.

// December 31st, 2008 // Comments Off // humour

I love old school Metallica, just like everyone else. I am pretty sure that old school Metallica and new shit Metallica are two different bands entirely. But I cannot help but say that I love Garage Inc (1998). Why? I have a fever!

Web Design: 16 ways to piss me off.

// October 6th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // humour, web design

Monday started off like any other – I get to work and the first thing I do is check my google reader. The only thing that was different is this – for the first time in two years I felt like I was going to burst out in a rage. Why is that? All of the titles I saw looked something like this:

15 high quality premium-like wordpress themes
370+ Free photoshop actions for everyone part 1
33 beautiful border and corner brush sets
5 beautiful penstyle fonts
16 web based handy web designer tools
10 useful articles about database design
6 vector food tutorials
25 refreshingly blue website designs
50 more amazing 3d typography works
11 free and helpful web based tools that every designer may want to know
30 beautifully blue website designs
22 free fonts from myfont
45 rules for creating a great logo design
103 really cool advertisements
35 essential jQuery tutorials, code chunks and plugins for designers
35 photoshop tutorials inspired by apple

Let me ask you something. Did you read all of those? If yes, then you were like me about a year ago. Keen on reading and learning everything I could about my trade. If you said no, then you are me today – tired and frustrated with the endless crap that is put out there on the interwebs.

Lists are something that get people interested because they present an easy alternative to reading a whole block of text that people get turned off by. It is an ongoing trend that should have seen the light of day yesterday – yes I want to read things now and if I want to learn something I want to learn it now. I want to read things that people really have to say, their advice – not in a list. I want to be able to get in depth information on it because if I want to learn something, I will read whatever is there so I do.

Sometimes I question the integrity of those who do write lists – their posts are mostly unoriginal. It is unoriginal information or screen shots that have been seen all over. I think it’s great that many will love a design or technique but is there a need to regurgitate something that’s already been seen many times before?

I have been guilty of writing lists but realized straight away it is a gimmick. It’s not natural to write an article in such a way unless you’re writing a step by step or a plan. They’re just cheap shots at getting some undeserved traffic – believing that compiling huge ridiculous lists will get them the visits they want from people who don’t know any better.

I hope in the very near future this fad will die out and people will start writing articles like they used to – with integrity and originality. Really offering something to their visitors other than just regurgitated crap. Is tomorrow too soon?

somewhere over paris…

// August 8th, 2008 // Comments Off // travel

I am currently on annoying flight #2178 from Athens to London. All I can say is, if you are fat you got no one to blame but yourself. If your leg is all squished up against someone else’s seat beacause you decided to eat your kids’ airplane meal as well as your own to further add to the tubbiness that is your fat and fucked up seld, then you can go and kiss my fucking ass. Don’t tell me to m ove my seat forward only after kicking it andpushing it continuously for 30 minutes without me even saying a word, and then expect me to do the noble thing and feel sorry for you because you are fat. I am not going to do it for your fat ass. And If I am flying to London from Greece and I don’t look Greek than chances are I DON’T SPEAK ANY FUCKING GREEK. Much, anyway.
P.S At this point I am being alerted to the fact that their may be a fat casualty in the toilet who is having a hard time getting out.

Traveling around athens for th epast few days has led me to believe certain things about their homeland.
1. There are more billaboards for cigarettes and alcohol condensed in such a small area that I have ever seen. It makes smoking and alcohol as vital as food and air.
2. People still feel it’s ok to smoke in your face. Apparently asthma has not been discovered in Athens yet.
3. You can smoke practically everywhere. That’s right. Even in your coffin.
4. They like to start hourses and then leave the skeletal structure long enough for it to be covered in grqfitti.
5. They automatically speak to  you in Greek unless you say “hello” and even then, they think you’re weird.
6. A main meal is big enough for 4 people. 4 THIN people. A fat fuck like the one behind me would eat that and her kid’s dinner.
7. Waiters don’t come back to ask if you would like something more to drink throughout your meal and take forever to get the bill.

There are some kids on this flight who need to be killed. Row 38 seats H&K. Obviously spoilt brats who talk to their parents like they are shit but they may as well deserve it for giving their kids everything they want all the time.

Here’s a general tip, as much as I like having people make my bed and give me fresh towels when I come back from a day of doing nothing – I hate to see my shit all tidied up. I do. It’s weird and I don’t know why I hatge it. I think it has stemmed from when my mother used to clean up my room and put everything in neat little piles just so she could see enough table top to clean it. But then of course, i couldn’t find anything and I used to get really pissed off.

Well now I kindg got a problem with people touching my shit in general. Because one day in HK, Roger and I decided to get some fruit to take a break from the crap we had been eating. Of course we had no knives or anything to cut the fruit with we bought a cheap $2 knife. We left it on a bench in the room. After coming back one day it was gone. The fucking bitch ass maid stole our knife! Oh well, it was only 2 bucks.

Fast forward to HK aurport a day later. We are flying to London. We go through security. They check Roger’s bag because what appears to be in there is a knife. Well that was a bit of a collar pulling situation. The maid had for some reason, put it in his back pack. Thankfully security joked about it, and Roger gave them the knife after they asked him if he would be needing it. No harm done but it could have been a lot worse.

25 mins to London. Cannot wait for customs.

Search for answers

// June 13th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // humour

I find it amusing at how people arrive to my site. A lot of it is referrals, so seeing those referrals are incredibly interesting. Back in the day, I used to get people coming to my site wanting to know Anthony Kiedis’ phone number. This didn’t just happen once, but multiple times over a period of months. Then I got ‘Anthony Kiedis + home address’ which I thought was so fucking psycho that I removed any blogs about the Red Hot Chili Peppers on my old blog. Scary. But nowadays, the referrals are not as scary these days, but interesting all the same. People have come to my website by asking a question in their search engine and I’m afraid I was never able to give them the answers they wanted. But now, I give you the answers to the last few questions people have typed in their search engine and come to my site looking for these answers.

What is a good metal band for those who don’t like metal?

My friend, I am afraid that there is no way to get people into metal by giving them an album if they don’t like it in the first place. This is a tough tactic and rarely works. Liking metal is like being ready to love yourself or lose weight – you have to be ready to do it yourself, no one can make you. Sounds so sweet, doesn’t it?

However, I have been guilty of handing over “Damnation” by Opeth to my non metal friends so they can understand that metal isn’t just about screaming and power-chords.

My advice is to give them something easy listening and then slowly start to guide them away from the safety of the shallow end of their music tastes into the deep dark waters of metal. (Textual exaggeration can be fun).

Why are women so bitchy?

It’s because we are insecure. Women are the most insecure creatures on the planet. We’re vulnerable and we try to hide our vulnerability by stepping up to “the man” because maybe we can’t do it any other way. Honestly, I think because of insecurities such as thinking people have to love us and we have to be perfect, we start becoming jealous and crazy over people who are and don’t give two shits about other women. Yes, sometimes even our girlfriends, which sucks.

Why am i so bitchy?

I don’t know but you should stop it before someone bitch slaps you.

What happens to your brain when you listen to metal?

I don’t know. But it doesn’t make you a psycho. And it doesn’t make you want to kill small children. So then… it must be good!

What is an internal customer?

Anyone inside the business you work in who you are providing work for.

Why isn’t metal music on the radio?

Simply because metal does not appeal to the masses – “masses” are generally people who don’t want to think about anything too much. They don’t think that there is money in metal because people don’t buy it. It’s really a cycle. People don’t buy it because they don’t know what’s out there, and they don’t know what’s out there because they’re not being told. Plus, there are stations that do play metal but you’re better off looking in the world wide webiverse for that.

Driver kills dog, sues owners – hm. maybe.

// May 10th, 2008 // Comments Off // opinion

I recently read this article about a man who accidently hit a dog with his car and is now suing the owner for damages.

After reading quite a few of the same old comments on the story like ‘that guy is a fuckwit’, and ‘how could he miss a dog’ – I say shut up. Shut up until you realise what it is really like to hit a dog.

In March last year, I accidentally hit a dog with my car. It ran out in the middle of the road. I was unable to do anything about it as a car was right next to me and there was another car driving too close behind me. I was distraught. I stopped the car and got out to find it. I was crying – I hit a dog. I love dogs. But when I went to get it, it was gone. I doubt it would have lived for long as the impact should have killed it instantly.

I was unaware as to what the true impact was. I felt horrible for weeks thinking about how I killed this poor dog, someones beloved pet and how they must feel. My guilt soon turned to anger and frustration.

My car is a 2004 Holden Astra. It was only 3 years old. I had regular checkups so everything was running smoothly right up until I hit that dog. My car started making a loud noise and seemed to be shaking when I was idle. I was freaked out, so I took it to get inspected. There was no surface damage to the car so I had expected nothing to be wrong. But it turned out I was very wrong.

The radiator had been completely bent in. The fan was hanging by a thread and the plastic underneath had been completely broken off. Had it not been for insurance I would have had to pay $1700 to fix it. Instead I only had to pay the excess which was $800. And in a low paying job, that is not easy money to come by especially since I had just started working straight out of uni at the time.

Since that time my car had been regularly checked by my mechanic and given the all clear up until April this year when I realised my aircon was not working. My heater was not working. What the fuck was wrong with this car? I had my mechanic take a good hard look at it. It turned out that my car had not been fixed properly and there was a huge crack on the side of the radiator from hitting this dog. Water was apparently dripping everywhere which made my car probably not safe to drive. I wasn’t sure if the repairer were just being lazy or they were unable to see it but nonetheless, my car had to be taken back to be fixed over a year after the incident. I was told to watch the water levels of my car to ensure my car didn’t overheat which it was more prone to doing.

So while it is sad that I killed that dog which can be traumatic for anyone, I was more pissed off that I had to spend money I didn’t have to fix the damage caused, losing my car for a week to be fixed, then having to pay for a mechanic to have a look at it, then having to drop it off again for a week…. To sue the owners for damages is not exactly fair, but it is fair to say that their dog is their responsibility and shouldn’t be wandering around at night. It is not fair to say that drivers who accidentally hit dogs and want some sort of compensation are out of their minds either. Hitting a dog is horrible, yes. But the immense guilt you feel for doing it is not even worth the trouble and expense you go through to fix your car.