For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had problems with people. Conflicts, bullying. Maybe it’s the same story everyone else will tell you – at the end of the day, we all have to live on the same planet together and we can’t always have things go our way.
A while ago, I had gone to my husband with an issue I was having with a coworker. I suppose at the time it was a big deal. Now that I look back on it, it wasn’t really. I didn’t really care about that person, nor were they my friend. They were just a co-worker to me. But still, my husband said to me “you always have problems with people. Maybe it’s not them, and it’s you.”. I was kind of caught off guard by that remark. But then I thought, maybe it IS me. I do have a tendency to open my mouth when I shouldn’t. And I say things that I think are acceptable but don’t realise that they might make people uncomfortable or hurt people.
I’m not a malicious person and I never set out on the intent to upset people – ever. But there is no such thing as “grey” for me. It’s either black or white. There is no middle ground. You’re my friend or you’re not. You’re an asshole or your the best person I’ve ever met. And so on. Some people find this strange, even brutal. But here’s what I think: I have no time for grey. The inevitable thing is – I’m going to die one day. I don’t know when. And I don’t know how. But I do not want to come to the end and realise that I’ve wasted my entire life living in the middle and accepting bs when I didn’t have to. I don’t have time for idiots and I don’t have time for bullshit arguments. I cut my losses and I move on from it or that person.
Death is always in the back of my mind. Perhaps that sounds negative or maybe it’s positive. Maybe it’s not either. But every day I wake up, I know that I’m going to die one day. I live for today, every day. After spending so many years wishing that I were dead and feeling like I was trapped in a prison that wouldn’t let me have my wish – I finally woke up one day and realised that I wanted to live more than anything in the world – and that my wishing for death scared me. And so my mortality is always in my mind.
I accept the fact that not everyone is like this and not everyone can handle my brutal honesty. Even when I’m trying not to be brutally honest, I seem to still come across brutal and crass without me ever knowing it. I guess it’s because I also don’t know any other way to be.
This is who I am. I will never change. I will never apologize for saying something that I know in my heart of hearts is right. But I will apologise to those I love whom I have hurt with my words because I am truly sorry I have hurt them. I am open for opinions and I will listen – I always listen to opinions, because they are important in my growth as a person. But I don’t listen to personal attacks on me for no warranted reason. THAT is grey. And I have no time for that, or for you. So, goodbye.
