Zoe Zombie

I love old school Metallica, just like everyone else. I am pretty sure that old school Metallica and new shit Metallica are two different bands entirely. But I cannot help but say that I love Garage Inc (1998). Why? I have a fever!

Here I am at work again for the second day in a row on “holidays” – it’s way too quiet in here. Scarily quite. I am pretty sure I can hear people breathing. In a way, it kind of reminds me of exams. That eery quite that also sounds like “I want to go home” or “I’d rather be lying on a bed of nails than in here.” Hmm… nails.

As I was sitting here looking around at all the empty desks and the computer screens that are currently orphaned, I thought “what the fuck is wrong with me?”. To be honest, a Jessica that came out over the last couple of months is not someone I would want to be friends with. I can’t even remember anything other than a blur of anger and frustration.

Yes, work was far too overbearing on me than I would like. I like my job, I enjoy what I do. But I only do it from 9 to 5. Get what I am saying? Then I go home and I am Jessica. Not WorkJessica. Just Jessica. If I don’t have that separation, I get a little crazy. The whole “Who am I, what am I doing here?” shebang.

I hate that shit.

As much as I enjoy having existential issues for no other purpose other than I have nothing to do with my time, I don’t enjoy it when I start questioning my complete existence. That’s a little scary.

So why the fuck did I care so much? Maybe it was because my time was being greatly eaten up by my home life and my work life. To be honest, I wasn’t really myself at the time either – lots of fun emotional women crap happening. I felt trapped. There was no time to just be me: no time to play games, watch a horror film, paint, draw, read a goddamn book, see my family or my friends. How about even cooking, cleaning.. and leaving all of that up to your partner because I came close to becoming a vegetable? I really, really hate that. To be fair, it’s not like this all the time. But if it goes on for more than a month, I can’t take it. I need a break, or I snap.

I think there is at least some unspoken agreement that if you kind of go a bit koo-koo in this time of ultimate pressure, you are forgiven at the end of it. At least that’s how I feel about it. Everyone has their own way of freaking out under pressure and it’s bound to rear its ugly head at some point. I have to reside in that fact, otherwise I’ll waste my time feeling bad for snapping at people and loosing my patience and who the fuck needs that?!

It is funny to look back and ask “what’s the big fucking deal, bitch?”, especially at a time where I have the time to blog about this issue.. at work.

A: NO.

Long Answer: so I haven’t really thought about it for too long, because I don’t really think it’s something that I would consider. In my younger years, I always had this vision of a man with dark hair, tattoos, possibly eyeliner, long hair and some metal shirt asking me out on a fantastical romantical date. And you know, then we’d get married and I’d wear black. Til death do us part. I’d never question that he wouldn’t like metal.

Now, my imagination is somewhat different. But the metal remains the same.

All the guys I have ever dated, liked etc – only ever liked metal. One guy did not and boy, that was hard. At the time, it was weird because I didn’t care about all the same things he did – like wearing the colourful glasses, the superficial appearances of others, not knowing what immaculate conception was etc. I enjoyed talking about religion, ancient history and stupid people. Stupid people are my all time favourite topic. And of course I liked metal. But it wasn’t the same because I realised at the end of the day: Metal isn’t just music. It’s a lifestyle.

SCOFF. Yeah, that did sound a little corny. But perhaps it is the truth. It’s the reason why a lot of us feel the way we do about religion, the way we let certain things into our lives and the way we live our lives in general. Perhaps it’s because we don’t exactly see things the way others do. The music influences us. We influence the music. It’s not all about death and hatred but love and loss. Maybe the music brings us closer together because it does allow us to see things on another level – sometimes insanely twisted. But it’s who we are – maybe not insanely twisted. But I don’t think I could live my life with someone who didn’t care for the serenity that metal gives to us – unlike the music that plays next door to our house.

So no, I could not be with someone who doesn’t like metal.